The pain keeps me company
As I am writing in my journal, while drinking my coffee, I pause for a moment when I read the following words that just came out of my heart onto the page: “ Keeping some of it - to keep me company”, referring to the sorrow, grief and sadness I discovered in my chest during a yoga session yesterday.
The words carry some truth, I can feel them landing deeply. When we are so used to being occupied, filled with long-kept sorrow, sadness, grief, weight - then they become our forever companions, the ones that never leave, the ones that we can always count on and go back to.
Are we deliberately choosing to hold on to that baggage, as our unconditional companions along the way?
I notice that when I am truly honest with myself, I do realize how I call upon my pain friends whenever I feel the discomfort of the emptiness I am faced with.
A year ago, I left my apartment, my boyfriend and all my future imaginations behind. I grieved, It felt like attending my own funeral. In the meantime, I have moved on, I have started a new chapter and I am about to sign the contract for my dream project tomorrow.
The more real this new reality becomes, the more I feel how everything is ever-changing, nothing can be kept. My old life just dissolved, as if it never existed. The only way to keep it alive, to keep it, is by holding on to the grief, the sadness. It´s almost like a proof that it happened, that it was real, at least for a while, it was.
It humbles me and makes me realize that everything in this world is a temporary appearance, a momentary ´reality´. How real is that which doesn´t last? How real is this reality?
From a deeper knowing, we are all aware that everything is just consciousness, appearing in certain forms, bodies, thoughts, feelings. None of it can be kept, none of it can be grasped, none of it can be ever kept the way it appears now. It is like trying to grasp air and keep it.
I feel like I am grieving all my attachments, cause I realize that none of them are mine to keep. None of them are keepable anyways. Not even me.
It took me years to feel like I belonged here on earth, to feel like this body was mine, to accept the basic laws of this reality. And now that I finally landed, I have to let it all go again. Learning to be here, while accepting the emptiness of it all, the non-graspable reality, It is a wild, wild ride.
Here I am, open and empty, fully here and nowhere at the same time.
Love,
Marieke